BLACKENSTEIN
1973

Made to cash in on the success of the Blacula films, 1973’s Blackenstein won’t easily be confused with them, because, well… it’s terrible. Whereas Blacula had an interesting afrocentric take on the vampire myth, a good director and William Marshall classing up the joint, Blackenstein is slapped together with fuzzy sound, dim lighting, awkward editing and bad actors. And is this scratchy print the best existent? Not like that would make me want to watch this film again.
Multiple amputee Eddie is a bed-ridden Nam vet. Eddie’s girlfriend talks him into being experimented on by a Dr. Stein (the only actor of note, John Hart, most famous for replacing Clayton Moore in the title role in The Lone Ranger TV series.)“After all, Eddie,” she tells him, “Dr. Stein just won the Nobel Peace Prize for solving the DNA genetic code,” which, ignoring the conundrum of how he won a peace prize for science, means that Dr. Stein can draft working limbs onto bodies. The look of the doctor’s lab is aided greatly by the use of props from the original 1931 Frankenstein. Eddie’s GF becomes the Doc’s new assistant, but his other (male) assistant has the hots for her, so he sabotages Eddie’s treatment, and the mutated Eddie stomps off into the night…
First off, it takes the film 43 minutes to get to the part with the monster, which is just plain dumb, and also violates several b-movie rules and regulations. It’s not until 48 minutes in that Eddie attacks the orderly who gave him a hard time earlier and rips his arm off (shown in shadow, behind a hospital room divider.) He also disembowels several people, but these scenes are mostly shot way too dark to actually see much. Soundtrack music seemingly ripped off from an old melodrama, with suspense music cues played at inappropriate moments. The female lead’s hairstyle also changes without warning.
Secondly, it has an abrupt and anticlimactic ending. I won’t “spoil” for you here, but let’s just say it leaves you saying WTF? It’s boring and worse yet, not even true blaxploitation, although they do go to a black joint to see a bad comedian and Dolemite star Cordella De Milo sing for some characters in period fashion. Oh, yeah, just in case his square afro didn’t clue you in that Blackenstein was a monster, he walks with hands outstretched in front of him, like every cartoon Frankenstein monster parody that you’ve seen since you were 3 years old! Stinkeroonie! Very slow, and with little payoff. Watch Blacula again instead. Director Levey went on to direct trash “classics” Wham Bam Thank You Spaceman and Skatetown U.S.A.

-Hysteric Eric