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UNHOLY
ROLLERS
Hot-tempered Karen quits her job at the canning factory after being groped by the foreman to find glory in the Avengers, the local roller derby team. There seem to be only two teams in the league, The Avengers and their rivals, the lowly Demons. Inevitably, of course, in this type of movie, the big star gets hurt and Karen gets her big chance to make it. Can she do it? You bet your sweet ass she can. She’s got an attitude, doesn’t try to fit in much, hits too hard, and doesn’t follow the script, so the girls tear her clothes off in a bar. She gets her revenge by becoming a big star in the league. A rivalry develops between her and the older star Micki Martinez (Betty Ann Rees, who played the gangster’s moll in SUGAR HILL). She strips to her bra and panties for a pervy doctor (Monster of Piedras Blancas’ b-movie veteran John Harmon) who has a unique method of giving a company physical -- with his hands. “Young woman, the human hand is he most efficient tool ever devised.” She starts boffing the married Latino roller dude, finding his gun while they’re riding his chopper and firing at signs. She gets a tattoo of the team logo, a pair of winged skates with a dagger running through them. Karen becomes a big star with a big head, doing cheesy TV commercials and making a lot of money. She buys a ridiculous looking classic muscle car, painted cool blue with a zebra stripe top and a big horse on the hood. Things heat up when the owner brings in a hot new skater, a black girl named Beverly Brayton (Charlene Jones) to put pressure on bigheaded Karen. He says, “The schvartzes’ll love it.” Karen gets beat up by the team for putting Micki in the hospital, then has a fight with her boyfriend. He tells her she wishes she had balls. After kneeing him in the groin, she declares, “I’ve got balls—yours!” Then she has an argument with the owner (“I’ll show you something that you’ve never seen!), and the night careens out of control. She bangs into everybody, her team, the other team, the rubes, she don’t freakin’ care! She causes a big team free-for-all, and even incites the crowd to riot! The announcer says, “I’ve never seen an entire crowd dissolve into a furious frothing fusillade of fisticuffs like is happening here!” What a way to end a career. The non-actors were apparently the REAL Demons and Avengers roller derby teams, and the action is all good stuff. The announcers’ hilarious deadpan ringside patter makes a huge contribution to the game scenes. They watch the ridiculous antics and comment on the whole circus straight-facedly as if it was an unscripted sport. Fast-moving and well-done with lots of exposed flesh, driving through empty boxes in anger, tuna smeared on the bosses face, national anthem on a warped record, hideous 70s furniture, fros, fights, guns fired, a paunchy 40-something guy in green and yellow tights, a mask and cape. It’s hard to go wrong with this one. A drive-in classic. -Hysteric Eric
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