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EMPIRE
OF THE ANTS Timeshare buyers beware! A group of annoying freeloaders takes a complimentary Gilligan-esque, three-hour tour by boat and tram with the intent to be sold swamp land real estate. On their trip, they encounter terror in the form of Joan Collins, who plays…surprise…a cold, calculating bitch. They also encounter an army of pissed off giant ants who compete with the cast of over-emoting actors for who can be the most shrill. In true B-movie style that harkens back to atomic monsters of the 50’s (specifically 1954’s Them, about…gee…giant ants), these fuzzy-faced critters suck down radioactive waste that washes ashore after a government dumping. Not to be outdone, the ensemble cast sucks down a large amount of hard liquor after their boat anchors ashore. The characters don’t grow big though; just belligerent as the ants watch them behave like assholes (incidentally, ants’ eye view looks shot through a cheese grater). There is sheer, shocking horror in Empire of the Ants: the repulsive 70’s “fashions” worn by the cast members. Collins has a culotte-thing going with a cancer-patient forehead scarf. The men dress worse than the Brady Bunch males. One cheers for the ants as they crush one bad wide-collared polyester suit after another. Let’s not forget our accessories! An elderly woman takes flight through treacherous bogs while holding her large handbag the entire time. Empire of the Ants
is good, not completely-predictable, trashy fun with a strong moral
warning against huffing pheromones, “a mind-bending substance
that forces obedience.” Beware the ant! As the narrator at the
film’s beginning intones, “TREAT it with respect.”
So think twice before crushing and snorting that ant, kids. You never
know that its relatives might come put your dad in a cream leisure suit. -Zzilly Gutbuckets (aka Lizz Fisher)
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