EVILTOONS

Who doesn't love a good T&A flick? I asked around to all my male and lesbian friends and, from what I could tell, no one! So for all you fine cinema fanatics who stay up late praying for a break in the static on the porno channels, here is a movie you can watch with the whole family. Evil Toons combines all the fun of Saturday morning with the softcore partygirl action of Friday night.
The film starts off with pretty original premise: 4 hot coeds have to live in a creepy run down manor for the weekend so that they can clean it—the place was trashed by its former owners. Naturally, they clean for about 15 minutes before its time to break out the screw-top wine, paper cups, and start the erotic topless dancing. As in any topless all-girl sleepover, the girl with the largest breasts is the virgin nerd who would be so smoking hot if she would just take off her glasses. I'm happy enough with her just taking her shirt off though, and so is the half-dead, voyeuristic David Caradine who's role as Gideon Fisk truly blurs the lines between good and evil…acting. For some reason he has fought his way back from the depths of hell because he knew that the one person who would be able to read the curse-breaking script of the Necronomicon could be found among the airheaded house maids. 10 bucks says it’s the nerd with the huge jugs.
This film not only features awesome animation seamlessly blended with live action (imagine if the penguins started raping Mary Poppins or if Roger Rabbit was actually as sexually frustrated as his stutter would let on), but also has some classically trashy props. The Necronomicon has an animatronic human face on its cover, which squirts phlegm when tossed in the fire, and its pages are filled with a 6 year old's drawings of pterodactyls performing oral sex and really buff manbeasts. Appropriately, the official death shroud appears to be a Mexican blanket that someone on the crew probably scored in Tijuana for a couple cervezas. And the sacred trunk which contains the evil is marked with the ancient sign of caution. It reads, "In God's name please! Never open this trunk! I swear you're gonna be real sorry!" I bet you can guess whether or not the maid-sluts open it…but as predictable as the plot may be, its way more educational than Blue's Clues any day of the week.

-Chum-Chode Chad